“There’s a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.”

And if my heart be scarred and burned, The safer, I, for all I learned.

Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat.

The only useful thing I ever learned in school was that if you spit on your eraser it erased ink.

I hate writing, I love having written.

Los Angeles: Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city.

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

But I don’t give up; I forget why not.

[On being shown an apartment by a real estate agent:] Oh, dear, that’s much too big. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.

Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.

A liberal is a man who leaves the room before the fight starts.

Of course I talk to myself. I like a good speaker, and I appreciate an intelligent audience.

A girl’s best friend is her mutter.

He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

It’s good to have a little distance. If you discuss your love too much, it just damages it.

Your body’s made to run, to walk, to trek long distances and carry things, work in a forest, and hunt animals. You have to keep it alive to function.

Distance in a straight line has no mystery. The mystery is in the sphere.

At a distance, we cannot conceive of the authority of a despot who knows all his subjects on sight.

You keep me at a distance when all I want to have you is close.

They say eyes don’t lie, but I mistook the distance in your eyes for depth.

Billy wanted me to stay a safe distance from the most important person in my life. It turned out that his concern was, in the end, unnecessary. I was all too safe now.

The Russians imitate French ways, but always at a distance of fifty years.