There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS