I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERSI said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERS






