Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
ERMA BOMBECKThe hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.
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Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
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Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
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Success is outliving your failures.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn’t charge more after midnight – or anything before midnight.
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Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.
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I read one psychologist’s theory that said, “Never strike a child in your anger.” When could I strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he’s recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on Sunday?
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He who laughs lasts.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
ERMA BOMBECK