“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.

Every puppy should have a boy.

Look for me in the whirlwind or the storm, look for me all around you, for, with God’s grace, I shall come and bring with me countless millions of black slaves who have died in America.

Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives people harder than a fear of sudden death.

A mermaid was dying at the shore, but no one dared to save her. Because no one dared to love her.

Every bit of learning is a little death. Every bit of new information challenges a previous conception, forcing it to dissolve into chaos before it can be reborn as something better. Sometimes such deaths virtually destroy us.

When the aristocracy catches a cold, as it is said, the working class dies of pneumonia.

An imbalance between rich and poor is the oldest and most fatal ailment of all republics.

The poor go to war, to fight and die for the delights, riches, and superfluities of others.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.