Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
ERMA BOMBECKHow come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
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No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
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How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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Never have more children than you have car windows.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
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If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
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I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
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Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn’t turn it on.
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It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You’re on your own, Bernice.
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A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.
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Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn’t even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
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There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.
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My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.
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Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.
ERMA BOMBECK