When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECKMy idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
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The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
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I remember thinking how often we look, but never see … we listen, but never hear … we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity and laughter to come alive.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
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There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
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I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It’s just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.
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Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
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People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
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Friends are “annuals” that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a “perennial” that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There’s a place in the garden for both of them.
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Every puppy should have a boy.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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When you’re lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.
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Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
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Grandparenthood is one of life’s rewards for surviving your own children.
ERMA BOMBECK