Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Better laid than never.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERS






