“If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.”

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Your services might be as useful as a barbershop on the steps of a guillotine.

A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

It’s funny when you coming in first but you hope that you’re last, you just hope that it last.

Thou shouldst eat to live; not live to eat.