“She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.

I love comedy. I’m not known for comedy, but I love it. I’ve done a lot of it, in my lifetime. But most people are surprised to hear that I made a funny movie.

I laugh almost everyday. I have a good sense of humor, so I’m always finding something funny.

I’ve never been more nervous in my life than singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl.

How can money be the root of all evil when shopping is the cure for all sadness?

When they saw me in my space suit and the parachute dragging alongside as I walked, they started to back away in fear. I told them, don’t be afraid, I am a Soviet like you, who has descended from space and I must find a telephone to call Moscow!

All I want to know is where I’m going to die, so I’ll never go there.

When I do get pregnant, I highly doubt I’ll be one of those women who don’t look pregnant from behind – I’ll be that chick who looks pregnant from her ankles up!

Modern intelligence won’t accept anything on authority. But it will accept anything without authority.