“When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.”

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I was an only child. I did have kind of like a lonely existence.

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.

But if there’s love, dear – those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever.

We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.