“It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes.”

I hate failure and that divorce was a Number One failure in my eyes. It was the worst period of my life. Neither Desi nor I have been the same since, physically or mentally.

Use a make-up table with everything close at hand and don’t rush; otherwise you’ll look like a patchwork quilt.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.

Love yourself first and the rest of your life will fall into place.

In life, all good things come hard, but wisdom is the hardest to come by.

Ability is of little account without opportunity.

It’s a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.

How I Love Lucy was born? We decided that instead of divorce lawyers profiting from our mistakes, we’d profit from them.

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright.

I was shy for several years in my early days in Hollywood until I figured out that no one really gave a damn if I was shy or not, and I got over my shyness.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

I’m not funny. What I am is brave.

I am a real ham. I love an audience. I work better with an audience. I am dead, in fact, without one.

Now get the hell out of here and go change the world.

I never thought I was funny. I don’t THINK funny.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

The ideal husband understands every word his wife doesn’t say.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.