“Every challenge you put in front of me, I’ve handled it, dismantled it – ate them, dropped them off in the bathroom and flushed them away.”

Being that I’m a tropical black man I don’t get to see much snow. When I see snow I go crazy. That’s why they call me Sasquatch. There’s no Sasquatch found in the snow so I had to go back to my Sasquatchian roots.

Opinions are like belly buttons; everybody has one. I never knock a man for his opinion.

A lot of times when I buy a lot of toys, I get a little jealous and keep one or two for myself. So I’ve got a couple of drones. I’ve got a couple of remote-control cars. I like to have fun

If he were on fire, he couldn’t act as if he were burning. He can’t out-act me on the big screen.

When you flop, that’s just another message that you don’t know how to play me. Stand up and take your medicine like a man.

I just want everyone to know I’m suing Ruben Studdard. He had his hand on my ass and he wouldn’t let go.

Before I became the ‘Great Test of the West,” I was the ‘Beast of the East.’

There was a kid that had five brothers and sisters, and the family was missing for like five days. I was watching TV, they [found each other] and now they’re in San Antonio. So I bought them a little apartment in San Antonio. But I’m doing stuff like that all over.

My message to little kids who aspire to be anything they want to be is to listen to their parents.

Every time that I’ve won a championship I’ve looked at my guys around me and looked at their work ethic and said ‘You know what, I’m going to win it this year. I feel that way now.

We’re focusing on the whole pie, not a slice. A slice is good, but it’s not good enough to get you fat. We’re trying to get fat.

It’s sort of like in the movie The Karate Kid when Daniel said he needed Mr. Miyagi. And Mr. Miyagi gave him that confidence to believe he really didn’t. These guys think they really need me right now, but they don’t.

I urge all children to listen to their mothers and fathers. My mom was helping out some kids and she didn’t want to call me for all of the money; she only wanted to take care of some of the kids.

There is no answer to the Pythagorean theorem. Well, there is an answer, but by the time you figure it out, I got 40 points, 10 rebounds and then we’re planning for the parade.

I’m going back to the old Shaq. I was normal last year – I was an earthling last summer. I had to go back to my alien roots.

I’m always ready for a change. I’m Irish. I’m a leprechaun.

Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.

I suppose I had my rock star fantasies while I was singing into my hairbrush in the bathroom mirror, but I never really consciously said, ‘OK, this is what I’m going to do for a living and I’m going to be Weird Al.’

I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.

Everyone of us wakes up in the morning, goes to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and asks: “Who am I? Who am I today?

We have the most varied and imaginative bathrooms in the world, we have kitchens with the most gimmicks, we have houses with every possible electrical gadget to save ourselves all kinds of trouble – all so that we can have leisure. Leisure, leisure, leisure!

We found the bathrooms, which were labeled ‘Aliens’ and ‘Femaliens.’ ‘Finally,’ I said to J.Lo. ‘Here’s a bathroom you’re allowed to use.

I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.