Lewis Grizzard Quotes

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.