“The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.”

Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How’d they get so rich? Because they’re free.

Political leaders are expert at saying nothing.

They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, ‘But doesn’t it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn’t it be set in New Guinea?’ And you say, ‘But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.’

Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don’t draft people; it’s not jury duty.

Everybody is xenophobic to an extent.

Liberals have invented whole college majors – psychology, sociology and women’s studies – to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault.

There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It’s going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it’s the Democrats.

You’re never going to read ‘The Wealth of Nations,’ and you shouldn’t, really. It’s 900 pages.

Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself.

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers.

Supposedly, summer vacation happens because that’s when the kids are home from school, although having the kids home from school is no vacation. And supposedly the kids are home from school because of some vestigial throwback to our agricultural past.

The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.

The people who despise America are the editors of the ‘New Statesman.’ Their green-card applications must have been turned down.

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.