The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
P. J. O'ROURKEWhy do elites hate the poor? It’s xenophobia. They don’t know any poor people – except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don’t speak English.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
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I’ve got a 1990 Porsche 911. It’s just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.
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Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.
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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
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Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware.
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We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.
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New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State’s registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they’re going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can’t understand what they say.
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People are not ants or bees. We do not reason or love or live or die collectively.
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Political leaders are expert at saying nothing.
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The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.
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The weirder you’re going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
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Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God’s grace.
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Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods.
P. J. O'ROURKE