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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Mitch Hedberg

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Life Sex Woman
Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Photograph
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Soccer Sports
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Love
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Humor
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Stairs
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Library Reading
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG

Cancer Funny Humor
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drug Funny Humor
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girlfriend Humor
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG

Depression Funny Sports Wall
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Funny Laughter
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Missing

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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