When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG