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Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Lewis Grizzard

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Attitude Call Cat Dog Myself Yourself
Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Enjoyment Sex Start Woman
Spring time is the land awakening.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Awaken Land Time
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Life Sexuality Sick
Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Creativity Language Life Passion Soul Teaching Work
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Football Game Life Opportunity Problem Score Yourself
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Beyond Education Intelligence People
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Family Grow Home Myself Small
Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Death Feeling Goodness Myself
I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Letters Marriage Myself People Possible Woman
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Death Delight Improvement Life Occasion Sick Study Way
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Difficult Eat Happiness Thinking
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Animal Difference Sex
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Choice Gift Home Marriage Myself Woman
I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Happiness Hate Man Myself Peace
Let’s all start walking more and driving less.
LEWIS GRIZZARD

Drive Start Vehicle Walk

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

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Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

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Popular Authors

More Lewis Grizzard Quotes