Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
LEWIS GRIZZARDMoney doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
More Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.
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The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
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The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
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It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
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Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
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There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
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Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”
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The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
LEWIS GRIZZARD