If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSMaybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
JOAN RIVERS -
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
JOAN RIVERS