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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERS

Process Worry
I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
JOAN RIVERS

Myself Oneself Thankful
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Early Memories Myself Parents
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS

Forget Herself Movie Remember Role
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Fashion Feeling Funny Gift Memories Old Yourself
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Funny Myself Toys
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS

Appearance Body Fat Food Medicine
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
JOAN RIVERS

Inspirational Memories Myself Success Talk Thinking
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
JOAN RIVERS

Daughter Hate Herself Himself Myself
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Man Marriage Responsibility Sex Woman
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Humor Husband Marriage Myself
Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
JOAN RIVERS

Advice Feeling Goodness Mindset Thinking Wisdom Yourself
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS

Fools Laughter Yourself

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