I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS