I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERSI have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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Better laid than never.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS