I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Life is a movie, and you’re the star. Give it a happy ending.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Better laid than never.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS