There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS -
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS