Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS