On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS