She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS