If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
JOAN RIVERS