I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERS