You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS