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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

Joan Rivers

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
JOAN RIVERS

Negative Perspective Thinking Train
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
JOAN RIVERS

Annoy Children Talk Time Yourself
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
JOAN RIVERS

Bed Country God Limitation Sky Thankful
Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS

Attraction Change Death Greatness People Place Thinking Young
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS

Animal Born Mom Oneself
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
JOAN RIVERS

Enjoyment Philosophy Yourself
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERS

Bond Daughter Family Mom Myself Relationship Talk Yourself
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS

Children Guilty Herself Humor Letter Mother Myself People Sorry
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Happiness Key Life Money People
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERS

Goodness Hands Library Look Men Woman
I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Himself Husband Love Myself
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself

My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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