Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
JOAN RIVERSPut me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Old age is always ten years more than we are.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERS