Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSI’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS