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Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother’s milk.

Dick Gregory

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More Dick Gregory Quotes

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  Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.

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  Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

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  It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn’t stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.

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  I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.

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  I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

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• 

  Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: ‘We don’t serve colored people here.’ I said: ‘that’s all right, I don’t eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

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• 

  When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening – there wasn’t no 24-hour news.

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• 

  There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

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  Once I realized the value of making people laugh, I got very good at it. Fast.

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• 

  When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, ‘I’ve been gypped,’ or, ‘He welshed on the deal.’

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• 

  I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

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• 

  Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

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• 

  Home was a place to be only when all other places were closed.

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• 

  Did you know that in New Orleans they still have brown bag parties? What’s that, you ask? You and I go to a party, and when we get to the door, there’s a brown bag hanging down from the ceiling, and if our skin is darker than the brown bag, we can’t go in.

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• 

  You hear entertainers all the time, saying, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for this, I’d do it for free.’ When’s the last time you ever heard a business person say, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I’d do it for free?’

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• 

  We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn’t it either. I’m going to be an American Citizen. First-class.

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