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If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

Dick Gregory

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  When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening – there wasn’t no 24-hour news.

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  We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

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  I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp – just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

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  I personally would say that the quickest way to wipe out a group of people is to put them on a soul food diet.

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  I used to get letters saying, ‘I didn’t know black children and white children were the same.’

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  Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

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  I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.

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  They told me there was very little racial prejudice in Hawaii. Like a woman is just a little bit pregnant.

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  Home was a place to be only when all other places were closed.

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  There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

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  The most difficult thing to get people to do is to accept the obvious.

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  The only good thing about the good old days is they’re gone.

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  In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don’t know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

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  Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

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  When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

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  No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That’s already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

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