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If it wasn’t for Abe Lincoln, I’d still be on the open market.

Dick Gregory

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  We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn’t it either. I’m going to be an American Citizen. First-class.

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  My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that’s never been explained.

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  You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

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  In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago, it’s a sport.

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  Makes you wonder. When I left St. Louis, I was making five dollars a night. Now I’m getting $5,000 a week — for saying the same things out loud I used to say under my breath.

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  We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry because we didn’t think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

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  There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

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  One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

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  I personally believe breathatarianism to be the highest mode of human living breathing in pure air, absorbing the direct light and energies of the sun, bathing in pure water I look at the obituaries every morning and ain’t nobody listed but you eaters.

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  When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete’s feet don’t exist, there’s something wrong.

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  Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

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  You hear entertainers all the time, saying, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for this, I’d do it for free.’ When’s the last time you ever heard a business person say, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I’d do it for free?’

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  They told me there was very little racial prejudice in Hawaii. Like a woman is just a little bit pregnant.

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  If democracy is such a good thing, let’s have more of it.

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  When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It’s not enough, but it helps.

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  I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

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