“Yeah Ernie, its called defense, I mean I wouldn’t know anything about it personally but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.”

Poor people have been voting for Democrats for the last 50 years and they’re still poor.

Listening to a woman is almost as bad as losing to one. There are only three things that women are better at than men: cleaning, cooking, and having sex.

We’re not all supposed to think alike.

I know a lot of people did a lot of heavy lifting to make me successful and I do everything in my power not to screw it up.

I want to be a politician. I think I understand how the system works, I think a lot of politicians are corrupt, and it’s about time we put some people in there who are going to look out for the majority of the people instead of the rich people.

Poor white people and poor black people just don’t know how much they have in common. Rich people don’t give a damn about either group.

The main thing to do is relax and let your talent do the work.

He’s got to bring something stronger than that. That’s like bringing milk to a bar, it’s not strong enough

Unfortunately, as I tell my white friends, we as black people, we’re never going to be successful not because of you white people but because of other black people.

Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season.

This is why I hate white people. You guys try to turn everything into a racial issue.

I don’t have time to put up with the politics. Who’s a Democrat? Who’s a Republican? Who’s liberal? Who’s conservative? Man, can my daughter just go to a school and not get killed? Can these people get a good job? That’s what I’m concerned about.

I was a Republican until they lost their minds.

When you get arrested it’s in big letters. When you get acquitted it’s in small letters.

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.

Social media is where losers go to feel important.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.

I’ve had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn’t get educated in school. So we try to lay on a bit of that, through being funny, being serious, playing hard.

[On being shown an apartment by a real estate agent:] Oh, dear, that’s much too big. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’