“I came to the realization a couple months ago that I am fat. If you get tired from walking – and that’s all that golf is – then you are officially fat.”

He’ll never be Jordan. This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to.

I like to help poor people who got no chance. If rich people don’t, who will? Not other poor people, that’s for sure.

I’m just what America needs: another unemployed black man.

There’s only 5 real jobs in the world. Teacher, fireman, policeman, doctor and somebody who is in the armed service. If you don’t have one of those 5 jobs, you shouldn’t take your life that serious.

If all babies are so cute, how the hell do we have so many ugly people in the world?

I think you have an obligation to be honest.

You know what I always say about basketball whenever anybody tried to tell me the Knicks are gonna be good: They’re old. Old people don’t get healthy. They die.

You can’t start a diet in the middle of the week, that’s just stupid.

I remember sitting down with the Rockets and saying, ‘Yeah. I’m going to retire.’ They said, ‘Well, we’ll give you $9 million.’ And I said, ‘You got a pen on you?’

If you’re scarde to fail, you don’t deserve to be successful.

People always say turn the other cheek. If you turn the other cheek, I’m gonna hit you in the other cheek too.

These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.

We don’t need refs, but I guess white guys need something to do.

The older I get, the faster I was.

Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he’s been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.

Well, when I went off to college, the guys I used to hang with were pumping gas and voting Democrat. Today they’re still pumping gas and voting Democrat. Guess the Democrats didn’t do much for them.

You look at me like supper, and I just want to be your last one this time.

People say it would be terrible if we made all girls pretty. I think it would be great.

And she was fair as is the rose in May.

A frowning face can’t bring out the beauty that you are.

Habit maketh no monk, ne wearing of gilt spurs maketh no knight.

After every storm, if you look hard enough, a rainbow appears.

I’ve never understood the notion that actors and actresses should look great on-screen just because they’re on-screen. That doesn’t make sense to me.

I don’t like my voice. I don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way I move. I don’t like the way I act. I mean, period. So, you know, I don’t like myself.