It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
BOB SAGETNo one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.
More Bob Saget Quotes
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That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House.
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The secret to raising children is to love them… And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.
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Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
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Sometimes I wish I hadn’t said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.
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It’s so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
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What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?
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Ladies, apologies, but isn’t ‘vintage’ just used stuff?
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I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.
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If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
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My mom just told me it’s impossible to know what’s going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.
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I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they’re going to see it, especially her guy friends.
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If you’re hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
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Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person.
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When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they’re not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it’s cable.
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I’m a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
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Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you’re the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
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Concerned we’re in a time where politicians can’t even fake sincerity. Aren’t they supposed to be good at that?
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I’m psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.
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My wife is a saint. She’s Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won’t eat.
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I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
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I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
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Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, ‘you don’t mention that part here.’ But that’s what’s interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.
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Everyone I love I pay.
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When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.
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A lot of the comedians don’t even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
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I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby’s behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
BOB SAGET