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What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

Bob Saget

They say, Keep your enemies closer. But what if you live with them?
BOB SAGET

Closer Enemies Say
I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
BOB SAGET

Boys Car Country Years
The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.
BOB SAGET

Squirrels Way Yards
I’m a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
BOB SAGET

Doe Doors Nuts
When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.
BOB SAGET

Away Famous Going
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they’re going to see it, especially her guy friends.
BOB SAGET

Aristocracy Guy Kids
My father once told me, and it’s stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.
BOB SAGET

Fart Father Stuck
You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.
BOB SAGET

Friend Learn Lying
It’s okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.
BOB SAGET

Long Okay People
Some people rely on rumors and gossip because they are devoid of any original thought.
BOB SAGET

Gossip People Rumor
Concerned we’re in a time where politicians can’t even fake sincerity. Aren’t they supposed to be good at that?
BOB SAGET

Fake Politics Sincerity
What I’ve learned about comedy people is that they’re defined by the harshest level they’ve been to, their personal Auschwitz.
BOB SAGET

Comedy Levels People
No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.
BOB SAGET

Bus Driver Drivers
My dad’s like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?
BOB SAGET

Dad Dollar Funny Mom Sex
Yet there are some people – Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he’s a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I’m doing it right now and you all seem bored.
BOB SAGET

Bored People Talking
In the creative sense, I’m looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.
BOB SAGET

Creative Forward Looking People

What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

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What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

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Popular Authors

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