“Everybody knows what California smog is – that’s fog with the vitamins removed.”

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.

I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.

I just hope I don’t have to explain all the times I’ve used His name in vain when I get up there.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.’

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

For the first time, you can actually see the losers turn green

Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.

I tell jokes to pay my green fees.