A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
BILLY CONNOLLYA fart is just your arse applauding.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t work out, work in.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
BILLY CONNOLLY