I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLYA fart is just your arse applauding.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Try to live in a place you like.
BILLY CONNOLLY








