A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLYI can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
BILLY CONNOLLY