There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
BILLY CONNOLLYMy parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
BILLY CONNOLLY