I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
BILLY CONNOLLYMy parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
BILLY CONNOLLY