Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
BILLY CONNOLLYWho discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
BILLY CONNOLLY