My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
BILLY CONNOLLYNow, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
BILLY CONNOLLY







