A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
BILLY CONNOLLYI love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
BILLY CONNOLLY