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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.

Billy Connolly

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Believe Jesus Teacher
Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Constitution Happiness Revolution Unique Written
I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Found People Scared
When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Acting Hell Real
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Apparently Men Race Sex Women
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Someone Waitin Witty
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Accident Alright Funny Humor Thanks
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Drinking Ideas Stills Stop
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Blow Make Think Thinking Useless
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Anthem Boring Country Funny Humor
Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Arches Audience People
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Advice Buckets Kitchen Utensils
Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Expensive Looks Stolen
I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Childlike Growing Mean Thinking
I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Desperate People Themselves Thinking
I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Algebra Funny Humor Likely never

I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.

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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.

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