I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
BILLY CONNOLLY