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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

Billy Connolly

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  People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.

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• 

  I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.

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  The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.

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• 

  Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.

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• 

  Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”

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  I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.

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  My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

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• 

  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?

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  Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

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  I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

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  Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

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• 

  A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”

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• 

  I don’t aim to offend.

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