Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
BILLY CONNOLLY