Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLYThere’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Don’t work out, work in.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
BILLY CONNOLLY







