So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLYThere’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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