So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
BILLY CONNOLLYI used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
BILLY CONNOLLY