Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLYIt’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLY