When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHERWhen opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHERIf you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHERWho takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
BILL MAHERAmerica is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
BILL MAHEREverything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
BILL MAHERNow people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
BILL MAHERIf you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
BILL MAHERThe idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
BILL MAHERIf you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
BILL MAHERThe true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHEROne of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
BILL MAHERMen are only as loyal as their options.
BILL MAHERIf conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
BILL MAHERDid you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
BILL MAHERIt’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
BILL MAHERHalloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
BILL MAHER