What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
BILL MAHERThe reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
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Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
BILL MAHER -
Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
BILL MAHER -
If you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHER -
There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
BILL MAHER -
Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
BILL MAHER -
People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
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Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
BILL MAHER -
Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
BILL MAHER -
I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
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During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.
BILL MAHER -
Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
BILL MAHER