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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

Bill Hicks

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  We really are All One….this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

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  And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said and said, “This is my creation, perfect in every way… oh, dammit I left all this pot all over the place. Now they’ll think I want them to smoke it… Now I have to create Republicans.”

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  Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

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  I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

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  STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after these guys? I’d just stand there, you know. They’d back up. ‘STRATFORD SUCKS! …STRATFORD SUCKS!’ I’d say, ‘I know. I go there. You’re wasting gas, man.

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• 

  Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.

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• 

  I don’t know what you all believe, and I don’t really care … but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks … you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

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  Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let’s put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

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• 

  We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

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• 

  I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .

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  People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

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  You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.” How do you know that? “Uh, well… we looked at the receipts.”

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  I don’t identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

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• 

  If you’re so pro-life, do me a favour: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

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  Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They’re sick, they’re not criminals. Sick people don’t get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.

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  I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.

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