My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALLGod was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma’am! Those’ll work.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
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This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL