Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALLIf you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL