My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
BILL ENGVALLIf you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALL