If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALLI was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL