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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

Bill Engvall

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALL

Repeating Stupid Ties Wife
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL

Bus Doors Driver
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.
BILL ENGVALL

Gas Lasts Sides Stations
I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL

Coffee Eating Funny Mistake
I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Kids Teacher
The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Crunchy Girl Locked Rabbit
You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL

Gives Mom Stupid Tell
I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
BILL ENGVALL

Change Guy Ladies Thinking Wife
My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Hope Hunt Purchase Sign
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL

Behind Dude Saw Shut Size Things
One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Car Guy Keys
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
BILL ENGVALL

Class God Kids Magnifying Mom Stupid
I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.
BILL ENGVALL

Hippo People Two

I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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