I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEYI am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEYMarijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEYWithout the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEYWhy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
BILL BAILEYThe so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEYIt’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEYLive comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYBut our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
BILL BAILEYOr, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEYI’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEYSo many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
BILL BAILEYStupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
BILL BAILEYI’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
BILL BAILEYI spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
BILL BAILEYI feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEYTelevision is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
BILL BAILEY